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- My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet

- First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's not screw it up.

- My cleaning lady just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.

- Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.

- What's worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy?

- I've completed my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

- Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice.

- Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth grader? "And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month."

- Anyone have a recipe to make toilet paper out of cauliflower?

- We're about two weeks away from seeing everyone's true hair color.

- Looks like we'll also need to bail out our political and science fiction writers, and retrain them to be historians.

- Reminder: 9 pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.

- Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly: Next week- turn signals!
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