...Yeah, and lets hope it's not the continuous turd it has been all year.I'm with pcoutoure on this one... Audrey was made out to be an intelligent character - seems like a silly thing to do. Anyway this is tv, so I don't mind such inconsistencies. I just don't like that this all happens less than 24 hours after he was freed... (It should have been worked into the beginning of next season somehow)
Even more - how is this a surprise? Audrey was killed in a fiery crash in China while investigate Jack's disappearance and nobody was the least bit suspicious?
On the bright side, Lost is on tonight
i lol'ed at this article coz i feel the same way about the show.Breaking up is hard to do, especially with Jack
Apr 23, 2007 04:30 AM
I was truly dreading this lunch. I had butterflies in my stomach. I was feeling sick. I didn't want to say what I had to say.
Honestly, is there anything more uncomfortable than breaking up with someone?
But sometimes, you have to do what you have to do.
I got to the restaurant first, asked for a table in the back where, if there was going to be a scene, it wouldn't have to be witnessed by everyone in the restaurant. I hadn't even had a chance to order a drink when my lunch date arrived.
"Hi Jack," I said.
Jack Bauer mumbled something under his breath and dropped into the seat opposite me.
"I really appreciate you coming," I said. "I know you've kind of got a lot to deal with."
"No kidding," he said, then, leaning in close, added: "If you've got something to say then say it, because I'm on my way to meet the Chinese to trade that Russian defence computer chip to get Audrey back."
"Listen, I know, I know," I said. "That's sort of what this is about."
Jack's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What?"
"Jack," I said, "this is really difficult for me, but ... I don't know how else to say this ... I'm breaking up with you."
Jack looked as stunned as when he found out his dad had killed his brother. "What do you mean, you're breaking up with me?"
"Okay, look, first of all, you have to know, it's not you, it's me."
"I think I've changed," I said. "I used to be so excited about our relationship, getting together Monday nights, it was such a kick for so long. But the other night, when the president's aides were squabbling again, well, you won't believe this, but my mind began to wander."
Jack looked crushed. "Are you kidding me?"
"I started thinking about stuff I had to do the next day," I said. "Then, when I realized it was happening, I couldn't believe it. I had gotten bored during an hour of 24. That had never happened before. Oh, Jack. I think maybe the magic is gone."
"I can't believe I'm hearing this."
"I just feel that the relationship has become predictable," I said. "CTU's always hiring bad people, the president always has evil advisers, you're always going rogue. But I need more, do you understand what I'm saying?"
"I can change," Jack said. "I can talk to the writers. We could have more bombs."
"No, I don't think that'll do it," I said.
"What if we had more bombs, and they were even bigger bombs?" he asked, his eyes pleading.
"Oh Jack," I said. "That's what you think this is all about. Bombs, bombs and more bombs. But I need more than explosive devices. I need a story, I need characters I can care about." I thought of something. "Speaking of which, what happened to President Logan? Is he dead or what?"
Jack was caught off-guard. "What are you talking about?"
"Holy mackerel, haven't you heard? His wife, she stabbed him. How can a former president get killed and nobody hears about it? It doesn't even make the news?"
"Wow, how could I not have noticed that?"
"You see what I'm talking about? When you're not being predictable, you're being forgetful."
Jack suddenly grabbed hold of my wrist, forced it onto the table, and with his other hand held a fork over it, ready to drive it through. "Who put you up to this? Who?"
"There, now, you see?" I said. "I knew you were going to do that."
Jack looked defeated, put the fork down. "Listen," he said. "I have to go. I have to think about this."
"Sure," I said. "And say hi to Audrey for me, okay?"
And now, for some much-needed levity or, failing that, several hundred paragraphs of utter boredom as we wade through yet another recap of 24, this one so late that it almost didn’t get posted before the next episode. What can I say? More important things intervened…
As you all know, the Religion of Peace is now thoroughly out of the script and all of CAIR’s lawyers have been sent home after having written the script ever since the season started. Hopefully, this will improve on things since the current Bad Guys, Ming the Merciless and his minions, don’t have a professional grievance group ready to whine if the script ever veers uncomfortably close to reality.
At the scene of last week’s Haji smackdown, Little Lord Fauntleroy and Jack engage in some aimless banter and unconvincing bonding or, as it is also called, a contrived plot device to let us know that the Marines are taking over the nukes now that they’ve finally been found. Obviously, the government has finally figured out just what happens when the CTU tries to protect anything.
Here’s an idea: Why don’t we let the CTU protect the national deficit? It’ll disappear so quickly that it will make Alan Greenspan’s head spin.
Anyway, the Marines are taking over and Jack wanders off to call Emperor Ming for further instructions. After several unsuccessful tries to get through to the number, which is being blocked by a few hundred thousand viewers of last week’s episode trying to call it too, Emperor Ming answers the phone:
“Ming’s Moo Shoo Heaven, how may I herp you?”
“It’s Jack, and I’d like a number 12 with an extra egg roll. And fried rice.”
“Flied lice… got it… Hey! Wait a minute!”
“Ha! Made you say it. I want to talk to Audrey to make sure she’s alright”, Jack demands while chuckling to himself.
Emperor Ming goes through a long-winded recap of what we’d already been told about St Audrey of the Facial Protuberance and her excellent Chinese adventure to single-handedly save Jack, yadda yadda yadda, and how they grabbed her dumb ass in hopes of one day being able to use her as a bargaining chip with Jack. Not in order to break him while he was still in their custody, that thought apparently never crossed their minds, but in order to blackmail him in case he’d ever be set free in an unlikely deal with the U.S. government, survive being killed by a band of terrorists armed with Russian suitcase nukes and then proceed to kill all the terrorists and take their nukes away from them.
Those Chinese. They think of everything!
Turns out they want a chip from the trigger mechanism, a chip that somehow seems to contain the key to all Russian defense technology. Makes sense. If I were the President of the USSR, I would most definitely want to hide such a thing in the trigger mechanism of a suitcase nuke. In exchange for the chip, Jack will get St Audrey of The Nose.
Jack protests, claiming that giving that chip to the Chinese will start WWIII. Everything will start WWIII on 24 this season. Nuke a tent in the middle of an empty desert in Bum****istan as a demonstration — start WWIII. Intern muslim suspects — destroy America as we know it, then start WWIII. Forget to pay the cable fees to Comcast — miss a week of HBO, destroy America as we know it, then start WWIII. Let’s face it: If you as much as refuse to eat your veggies, you’re likely to start WWIII. It’s almost like Global Wormening. Anything bad that happens in the world is due to it, and no matter what you do, it’s Bush’s fault. Or something. Who cares?
Jack indicates that he might agree to doing it, but he needs to talk to Audrey first. Why, nobody knows, since all he does is to tell her not to be frightened. Frightened? Of what? It’s not like she’s in the hands of a bunch of murderous communist *******s who obviously aren’t going to let her go anyway. It’d be sort of embarrassing if she were to be set free to tell the world how the Chicoms faked her death and held her captive in order to blackmail secrets out of the U.S. government, don’t you think? Hey, it might even start WWIII!
At the White House Bunker, President Allstate Jr finally manages to get Spineless Toad to tell him about the tape that he used to blackmail VP Neocon. Then Karen Pelosi runs in to tell them about the dead terrorists and the recovery of the nukes, something she managed to pick up in one of the endless phone conversations with Bill that she seems to be having every five minutes. When she’s not browbeating people into reanimating zombie Presidents, that is.
Everybody cheers, and President Allstate Jr orders a press conference in 30 minutes so that he can brag about how he singlehandedly saved the entire world from nuclear disaster. Well, the entire world outside of Valencia, that is.
At CTU, Bill is holding a pep speech, telling everybody how wonderful and special they are, blah blah blah. Before we can fall asleep, Chloe’s phone rings. It’s Jack, uttering the ominous words: “Chloe, I need your help.”
He tells her about the situation with Audrey and how he suddenly needs to hand over the Secret Russian Defense Technology Key to Emperor Ming to save her, but that he can’t get the right circuit board unless he has the bomb schematics, so would Chloe please upload those to him?
Before Chloe can tell him that she already did that several episodes ago, when he was doing the Obligatory Disarming of a Bomb While Clock is Ticking bit that no show should be without, Joel Surnow runs up and whacks her over the head with a clipboard, telling her to stay with the script that it took him all of 12 minutes to write while he was entertaining a pair of hookers at a Super 8 last night.
Of course, there has to be a complication, in this case the fact that the schematics are on Al Bundy’s workstation, but that’s what silly, contrived, corporate rah-rah speeches like the one Bill is making are written into the script for. She wanders over to Al Bundy’s desk where his workstation has been helpfully left wide open and logged in, which really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anybody who’s been watching CTU “security” protocols for the last five years or so. She then manages to locate the exact file on the harddrive in exactly 2.4 seconds and uploads it to Jack with the obligatory only half a second to spare before Al Bundy gets back.
Back at the White House, President Allstate Jr is in the Oval Office, watching Allstate commercials on an endless loop to remind himself of his brother. VP Neocon arrives and Allstate Jr tells him that now that the danger is over and the world is saved, it’s time for VP Neocon to hit the road and resign. “Oh, and thanks for coming up with a plan that actually worked so that I could steal it and all the glory.”
VP Neocon isn’t about to leave, however, so President Allstate Jr rolls out the heavy artillery, telling him that he has the tape of him and his assistant Blondie conspiring to commit perjury. Also, a few pictures of him having wild donkey sex with Andrew Sullivan dressed up as a Mexican hooker, but he’s going to keep those for himself.
At CTU, Al Bundy is surprised to discover that somebody “hacked” into his computer and uploaded the bomb schematics to somebody. He discovered this by cleverly looking at the “My Recent Documents” menu, and he helpfully says all of this aloud to himself so Chloe can hear it, then adds, after a dramatic pause, “I’m going to inform security!”
“No. Wait! I did it”, Chloe says.
“You did what?”, Al Bundy replies, now completely convinced that Chloe has lost her marbles.
“Well, er, it’s like this: Jack needed them. You see, Audrey Raines is alive, and unless Jack hands the key to every Russian weapons technology to the Chinese contained in a chip from the trigger mechanism, they’re going to kill her.”
“Oh. Alright then. After all, what’s a state of war with Russia compared with Audrey Raines getting killed? Why didn’t you just tell me that?”
“The Chinese aren’t actually going to get the chip. As if”, Chloe says reassuringly.
“Is that so? And why, pray tell?”
“Well, because Jack told me, and it’s not like any plan of his has ever failed before.”
“OK, so maybe one or two of them, actually pretty much all of them, but this time it will work. I’ve got a good feeling about this one.”
“That’s it. You’re nuts. I’m going to see Buchanan.”
Chloe caves in and tells Al Bundy that she’ll tell Buchanan herself.
Meanwhile, Jack is busy getting his hands on the chip. After spending a lot of time pretending to be Mario, jumping around on boxes and sliding down pipes, he walks straight up to the Marines guarding the nukes. A man’s gotta arrive in style, you see.
“My name is Jack Bauer and I’m under a Presidential order to take a circuit board from one of the nukes that you’ve been instructed to not let anybody touch under any circumstances, so get out of here.”
“No sir. We’re not going anywhere.”
“Do you know who I AM???”
“Er, sir, you just told us. But we’re not moving.”
At this point, Jack notices that Little Lord Fauntleroy misunderstood his orders. The Marines are actually Royal Marines, so he looks at them aggressively and says: “get out of my way, Mr. Bean, or I shall handle you very roughly indeed!” The Royal Marines whimper and run away to get a hug from Topsy Mumsy and maybe get a book deal or two.
Jack goes to work and pulls out the chip, only to be interrupted by Little Lord Fauntleroy pointing a gun at him and ordering him to stand down.
“Stand down, Jack!”
“No I won’t”
[5 minutes later]
A real Marine arrives and bops Jack over the head. Not so much to stop him from stealing the chip as to get the ridiculous scene over with. A grateful nation thanks him.
When Jack wakes up, Bill Buchanan is on the phone, wanting to talk to him.
“What the Hell were you doing, handing over secrets to the Chinese like that?”
“I wasn’t going to let them have the chip, I was only going to pretend to until they let Audrey go. They’d never get the chip itself!”
“And you know this how?”
“Because I SAY so, dammit, and my plans ALWAYS work!”
“Er, right. Now, Jack, calm down and I promise you that I’ll do everything I can to get Audrey back.”
“You mean like what you did for me? You have a terrorist lined up that wants to kill her already?”
“Fair enough. Come back to CTU and we’ll figure something out.”
Before they end their conversation, Jack makes Bill promise to try to get him in touch with President Allstate Jr. Minutes later, Allstate Jr is on the phone with Jack. Jack wants the President to authorize his brilliant plan for him since nobody, for some inexplicable reason, seem to believe that it’s going to work without the Chinese getting their hands on the chip. Oh ye of little faith.
After a lot of bickering, President Allstate Jr finally manages to make Jack tell him what exactly it is he has in mind: He intends to blow himself up with a load of C4 as soon as Audrey is free. Because, of course, the Chinese won’t think about demanding that Jack hand over the chip BEFORE they release St. Audrey of the Nose. They’re honorable thugs, after all.
Thankfully for Jack, he’s trying to convince a President with drain bamage, so he actually buys it.
They install a tracking device on the chip and Jack and Little Lord Fauntleroy get ready to move out. Jack calls Emperor Ming, who gives him directions and they head out.
The writers realize that they haven’t quite got enough material for the entire episode, so we’re treated to an endless schmaltzy scene between VP Neocon and Blondie where he tells her what happened, she blames herself, he says it’s not her fault, she rips her clothes off, sticks her tongue in his ear, VP Neocon tries desperately to unscrew the lid on his bottle of Viagra and… Oh well, thankfully the scene ends right there.
Elsewhere, President Allstate Jr is beginning his press conference, telling everybody, humbly of course, how he has single-handedly brought the crisis to an end and saved civilization as we know it without “descending to the barbarity of our enemies.” Actually, we know that he managed without doing anything at all, the only thing that actually worked was an idea that he was violently opposed to, the missile launch, but that only makes it more impressive. Or not.
And then, to make sure that everybody watching the show will lose their lunch, he finishes with a call for prayer, healing, rebuilding, closure… *BARF!*
“Yes, Helen, you have a question?”, he says, pointing to a 6?7? male journalist in the crowd.
“Name’s Bubba, Mr. President.”
“Oh, yes, of course. It’s been a long day”, Allstate Jr chuckles, “I knew that… So how’s your brother?”
“I’m an only child, Mr. President.”
“Of course you are. As I was saying: arble farble garble gook?”, President Allstate continues right before his eyes roll back in his head and he collapses on the floor from a cerebral hemorrhage, finally letting everybody know that something is wrong, seeing as how his actual words up until then were making just about as much sense as usual, which is to say ‘none at all.’
VP Neocon, who has been watching, folds up his letter of resignation and puts it away while dancing a little jig.
Back in the Oval Office, everybody is busy blaming somebody else for the stroke. Karen Pelosi, of course, is denying completely that bringing him out of a controlled coma and pumping him full of adrenaline to keep him going could have anything to do with it and Spineless Toad, taking a break from relocating his lips and tongue back to VP Neocon’s arse, insists that everybody calm down and quit blaming each other until they can find a hapless bureaucrat further down the hierarchy to blame it on, in the finest traditions of Washington DC politics.
VP Neocon delivers the obligatory notes of concern for President Allstate Jr’s health, urging the doctor to take good care of him and then, while suppressing a chuckle, informs everybody that he’s the Top Dog again. At least until Karen Pelosi can find a witch doctor to reanimate Allstate Jr again. His assistant Blondie interrupts, telling him about Jack’s harebrained plan that Allstate Jr. just managed to authorize before he fell over in a coma.
“De-authorize it immediately”, VP Neocon orders.
“You have doubts about the plan, sir?”, Karen Pelosi asks.
“If it came from Allstate Jr. and you approve of it, I hardly need any further reasons, do I?”, VP Neocon replies, “have it canceled right now!”
Karen Pelosi gets on the phone with Bill and informs him of the change in plans while whining about how VP Neocon is a big blue meanie who won’t acknowledge her genius, how she can’t get any respect and what a simplistic, evil cowboy VP Neocon yadda, yadda, yadda. Bill, having been around the block a couple of times, wisely does nothing but answer “yes, dear” every fifteen seconds.
He hangs up and calls Little Lord Fauntleroy who is driving the car with Jack in it, telling him to change course while pretending that nothing’s wrong.
Little Lord Fauntleroy hangs up and tells Jack that they have to change course due to a radiation alert from CalTrans.
Jack, knowing that CalTrans couldn’t locate their own arses with a GPS system, a compass, map and written directions, much less issue an alert that could be of any actual use to the general public, draws his gun and tells Little Lord Fauntleroy to pull over and get out of the car.
“You’re not going to get away with it, Jack!”, Little Lord Fauntleroy yells after the car as it drives away, “you can’t go against the President!”
“Watch me”, Jack mumbles to himself as he races off into the night.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock…