From this week's edition of TheOnion.com:

"Before Mr. Fitzsimmons came along, nobody had been dedicated and hardworking enough to show us that we had the power to make a difference," said student and stabbing participant Gabriel Salazar, who added that Fitzsimmons' innovative teaching games and insistence his students do their homework were just two reasons the class sacrificed their free time after school to inflict nearly 20 wounds to his arms, chest, and side. (http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/inner_city_teacher_inspires)

Also:
Bush Commits One Additional Troop To Afghanistan (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/bush_commits_one_additional_troop)
Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation's Growing Spider Menace (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/meth_addicts_demand_government)
FEMA Calls Rebuilding Complete As New Orleans Restored To Former Squalor (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/fema_calls_rebuilding_complete_as)

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